About HowYouLoveMe

What HowYouLoveMe Is

HowYouLoveMe is a structured, judgment-free space for couples, partners, and close relationships to reflect on connection. Each person independently ranks eight connection styles, scores how well they and their partner give love in each style, and writes short reflections in their own words. The results page compares everything side by side and surfaces blind spots, perception gaps, and specific places to grow.

The tool supports two check-in modes. Quick takes about ten minutes per person and covers rankings, partner-prediction, and giving/receiving scores. Deep Dive takes about thirty minutes and adds attachment patterns, partner IQ, emotional safety, conflict recovery, appreciation, and future vision alignment. You pick the mode based on the depth you want that day.

Creating a session, completing the check-in, and viewing side-by-side results are free. The first AI analysis per session is free. Additional analyses are available at affordable tiers. Any purchase permanently removes ads from your account.

Who Is Behind It

HowYouLoveMe is built and maintained by Chanda Apps LLC, an independent software studio founded in the United States. The product, framework, and editorial content are developed by a small in-house team with backgrounds in software engineering, behavioral research, and relational communication.

We are not licensed therapists. We have deliberately built this tool as a reflection product that complements therapy, coaching, or a good honest conversation over coffee, without trying to replace any of them. Where our content draws on clinical frameworks, we cite the researchers whose work underpins it. Where we have opinions beyond the research, we mark them as our perspective.

You can reach our team at contact@howyouloveme.com. For support and refunds, email support@howyouloveme.com. For privacy requests, email privacy@howyouloveme.com. We aim to respond within two business days.

How the 8-Style Framework Was Built

Our framework evolved over several iterations of prototypes with friends, family, and early users. It draws on four bodies of work:

• Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth, Hazan & Shaver), which describes how we engage with closeness and separation under stress. This underlies the Deep Dive attachment assessment and the per-style ‘how attachment shapes this style’ notes.
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson), which describes the role of emotional responsiveness and felt security in long-term couple stability. This is the conceptual anchor for the Emotional Openness and Safe Harbor dimensions.
• Gottman Institute research, longitudinal studies of what distinguishes stable couples from unstable ones, including the 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio and the role of shared meaning. This informs our conflict-recovery and appreciation modules.
• Gary Chapman's five love languages, the original popularization of the idea that love is translated differently by different people. Our framework expands on this by scoring each style independently rather than choosing a single primary language, and by adding dimensions (emotional openness, intellectual connection, spiritual alignment) that the original taxonomy did not include.

The full rationale for the eight-style split (why we decoupled touch from sex, why we split quality time into shared experiences and intellectual connection, and why we added spiritual alignment) is laid out in our guide on Connection Styles vs. Love Languages.

How We Use AI, Responsibly

HowYouLoveMe offers optional AI-generated analysis, powered by Anthropic's Claude. The AI reads both partners' rankings, scores, and written reflections, then produces a tailored summary covering what is working, where the gaps are, and concrete next steps. Three tiers are available (Standard/Haiku, Enhanced/Sonnet, Premium/Opus) depending on the depth you want.

We take the ethics of this seriously. Specifically:

• The AI is framed explicitly as a reflection tool, not a therapist. Every analysis carries a disclaimer.
• If the check-in text suggests safety concerns (abuse, self-harm), the AI is instructed to prioritize crisis resources rather than deliver relationship analysis. We consider this non-negotiable.
• Your data is sent to Anthropic only when you explicitly request an analysis. Per Anthropic's published API policy, inputs and outputs are automatically deleted within 30 days; content flagged by trust-and-safety systems may be retained longer. Data submitted via the Claude API is not used by Anthropic for model training.
• The AI does not replace human judgment. Its output is one input into your own thinking, and you are the expert on your relationship.

Our full data and privacy practices are documented in the Privacy Policy.

Editorial & Research Policy

All educational content on HowYouLoveMe (the style guides, the deeper essays, the onboarding copy) is written by the HowYouLoveMe editorial team. Content is reviewed internally for accuracy and edited against the primary sources we cite. We update articles when new research moves the ground, when our framework evolves, or when we receive feedback from users that reveals a blind spot.

We do not accept sponsored content, affiliate-driven writing, or pay-for-play placements. Our revenue comes from AI analyses, check-in credits, and display advertising (Google AdSense). Ads are never placed on the check-in or results flows; purchasing users have no ads at all.

If you spot an error, a missing citation, or something we should update, please write to us at contact@howyouloveme.com. We read everything.

What This Tool Is Not

HowYouLoveMe is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or mental health treatment. Our AI-generated insights are for reflection only. If you or your partner are experiencing abuse, harm, or an active mental health crisis, please contact a licensed professional. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) are both available 24/7.

HowYouLoveMe is intended for users aged 18 and older. If you are under 18, please do not create an account.

Who It Is For

HowYouLoveMe works for any close relationship where understanding how you connect matters: romantic partners (married, dating, long distance), close friends, family members, and any relationship structure in which two or more adults want to understand each other better. The tool is explicitly inclusive of LGBTQ+ relationships and supports sessions with two or more members, including polyamorous configurations. The framework does not assume a particular structure or ideology.